5: Letters to inanimate objects

Dear Ukulele,

How do I play you better? Do you ever get sad that I am so terrible? You make me happy though, I hope that is some compensation. And I also thing you’re very pretty. Never change.

Most sincerely, Jacklynn

Phone –

I really dislike you. Why do you have to make me angry all the time? You do all of these annoying things for no reason just, seemingly, to get on my nerves. I especially hate having to text someone with you. I don’t care what anyone says: nothing beats a good keyboard. I hate that you try to decide what letters or words I’m trying to type. You don’t know me! You can’t just assume what words I want to use. I hate having to go back and change every other word to the word of my intention. I did not get a degree in English for this garbage. I hope Sprint goes out of business.

Your unwilling owner, Jacklynn

Dear Little Car,

I know that it’s kind of intimidating here in Denver where everyone else is driving hefty Subarus (or some other robust, mountain-climbing SUV) that are actually equipped to driving “0utdoors” (pish-posh). It’s ok that I’m sure that you would rather be in a garage, drive on carpet in the sunshine on a flat surface, and that mild winds make you tremble; I still am very endeared to your tiny stature. Ok, ok, I’ll admit, I not-so-secretly plan out what car I will get next, but I don’t think that should put a strain on our relationship. Does it ever make you nervous that you never see any other Hyundai Accents on the road? Sometimes it makes me leery, but I try not to read too much into so maybe you shouldn’t either.

All the best, Jacklynn

Ps. Please let me know if you have all-weather tires. My guess is that, no, you do not. But some confirmation besides getting stuck in my parking spot every time it snows would be much appreciated.

Dear New Apartment,

I hope that I’m not being too forward in writing to you before we’ve formally met, but I just wanted to express my extreme enthusiasm in getting to know you better. I know that Matt feels the same way, probably more so, in fact. We will take good care of you. We will love the your weird angles, missing doors, and lack-of-amenities faithfully. We have big plans for our friendship, big plans. Can’t wait for you too meet our friends!

Yours truly, Jacklynn

Dear Punctuation Marks,

I find myself, regretfully, loosing touch with you more and more as the weeks go by without school, teachers with red pens, and term papers. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t understand you at all. Maybe I never did….Where did you go? Where are you supposed to go? As I try to edit the mostly incomplete or run-on thoughts of my co-worker’s writings, I find I’m longing for our once friendly understanding of one another. Please come back to me, I don’t even care if we have to see a specialist and take a class together. I’m willing to make this work again.

Passionately, Jacklynn

>> repaid.

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